right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
