She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
