Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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