Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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