The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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