What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
