I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
