True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
someone owes me an orgasm
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
