I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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