Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
