i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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