Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
