I smell stomach acid.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
