Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
