Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
