every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
