He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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