Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize