I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
