So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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