Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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