I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
