chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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