Just took my morning after pill in the library
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
