Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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