Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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