Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
