When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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