I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You can't just leave with hair like that
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
