i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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