good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
