my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
