Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
