The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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