I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
vagina is talking i cant
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
