does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
