Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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