he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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