hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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