The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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