census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
