I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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