i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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