please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
