Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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