I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
