Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We left the knife in your bed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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