the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You ruined the universe
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
