Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
