He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
