Four minutes until I can fart!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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