Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize
