I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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