It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
