everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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