You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
