come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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