Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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