why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Is Oprah even human
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
